am i squashing it

i wonder if lying on my tummy will kill it? i do prop myself up on a cushion. it's just my back hurts so much and then i lie on my tummy and it feels better. i can feel it moving around inside like a fish so i kind of shift onto one hip if it does that. but now it's completely still. have i squashed it i wonder.

baby daddy

It is undeniable that my baby’s daddy-to-be is mad. Just how mad remains to be seen.

I can tell you what I know.

When I met him he was leaning against a wall, in shadow. He told me I smelled fantastic. He told me that on the way to meet me he had given a man a blow job in a toilet, in a station, in exchange for what he thought was ecstacy. It was Valium. His voice was slow and his eyelashes were fluttering and eyes closing.

At the bar I abandoned him. I had records to play. And he was like a rag doll. A pretty one though. A pretty brown-eyed rag doll in a bad, bad jumper. I drank and danced and he slept on the banquette while people tut-tutted their way around him. I eyeballed my comatose suitor. My best friend hissed 'Get rid of him!'. But I filed him under "later". Drugged up or not, he was too pretty to throw away.

how to have a baby if you do not have a boyfriend

Anyway so after I decided I wanted to have a baby I did not know how. I mean I know you have sex but duh. We made lots of jokes about how to do it. Like you could give a boy a blow job and then hide it in your cheek. Then pretend you were running to the toilet to spit it out. But really you would be running to spit it on your hand and put it up your area. But that did seem a bit sneaky. What else could you do?

____________

1) Freeze eggs

Pros: Good way to buy time

Cons: Expensive. Painful. Extremely low chance of actually conceiving with said frozen eggs further down the line. Committing self to god knows how many cycles of horrid-sounding IVF. Still have to find / buy sperm / steal sperm anyway.

2) Date old men, choose one, ‘settle’

Pros: Old men might actually want babies

Cons: Any available old men (late 30s/early 40s) are generally quite ugly or baggage-laden. Sorry to any men reading this, but I am just saying. So how could you possibly manage to make yourself do sex with them enough times to make a baby. Especially if you had got used to fucking really really pretty teenage boys with flat hairy tummies and springy gorgeous cocks.

3) Have gaybie with gay friend

Pros: Child will be really good at interior design. Haha j/k. Child will have wonderful committed dad who will love it and share upbringing and support it financially.

Cons: None really, except nagging feeling that by committing to this you are saying "nobody loved me enough to have a child with me and now nobody ever will because I have had a baby and my area is the size of the grand canyon and my boobs are like saggy with massive nipples and I cannot be bothered with dating anyway now that I have a kid because it is such total bullshit and the kid has opened my eyes to what is important in life and it is not impressing stupid losers with carefully worded okcupid profiles and enormous pot bellies now is it".

4) Give up

Pros: Easy

Cons: Rubbish
________

Anyway as you can see all of the options sucked. I did not know what to do. And time was passing.

why am i having a baby with a boy who is a hundred years younger than me

Why am I not getting married like you are supposed to do, or just waiting and being depressed about being single, or 'settling'. Well you see. I had a boyfriend forever. From 17 to 30. Then I was so bored with all that that I went mental and dumped him and ran away. We had this really nice live work space in the fashionable part of town. And I said 'no no no live work space in the fashionable part of town. No more being in the golden couple.' And then I ran away.

And when I was depressed I said 'Stupid Cynthia. It is not good to become single when you are 30 and apparently women become all disgusting and shrivelled and nobody wants them because they are past their sellby date, gone off like off milk, all mouldy and lumpy not fine and smooth and yum.'

But mostly I did not care because I did not want to have a baby or 'settle'. I wanted to go back and have sex with all the teenage boys I missed out on having sex with when I was younger because I was with the boy I fell in love with at 17.

So that is what I did.

Anyway then I got bored of that eventually. And then I decided that I really, really, wanted to have a baby.

i'm so traditional

I was so happy when the stick did two lines. My best friend was in my house so I showed it to her. “And the best thing”, I said, “is that we’ve done it in this really traditional way! Just like having sex and stuff."

She laughed then. Well, she said 'lol', which I think is the same.

"Cynthia", she said, in her voice she uses sometimes like she thinks I am stupid. "What is so traditional about getting yourself knocked up by some pretty little Asian boy who used to be a male prostitute. Someone you have known for like five minutes. Someone who is 12 years younger than you are. That is not traditional."

She shook her head then. “Traditional is going out with some nice boy at university, then working in crappy media jobs, then breaking up for a bit, then getting back together, then having loads of really boring “trying-to-conceive” sex and then finally squeezing out a baby and then moving to suburbia and then dying. That’s traditional. This?”

She pointed to the bedroom door. The Boy was in the bedroom. He was tired because we had been fucking all day.

“I don’t know what you call this.”

“Still.” She patted my stomach, where my ovaries are. Or maybe my kidney or liver. I don't know. "It's nice. Well done."

And then we clapped our hands in the air together and made a high five.

doing a test

It was a different kind of stick. There was a special groove for your thumb. It felt nice to hold. I had got the more expensive kind. I don't know why really. The cheap kind are just as good.