am i squashing it

i wonder if lying on my tummy will kill it? i do prop myself up on a cushion. it's just my back hurts so much and then i lie on my tummy and it feels better. i can feel it moving around inside like a fish so i kind of shift onto one hip if it does that. but now it's completely still. have i squashed it i wonder.

baby daddy

It is undeniable that my baby’s daddy-to-be is mad. Just how mad remains to be seen.

I can tell you what I know.

When I met him he was leaning against a wall, in shadow. He told me I smelled fantastic. He told me that on the way to meet me he had given a man a blow job in a toilet, in a station, in exchange for what he thought was ecstacy. It was Valium. His voice was slow and his eyelashes were fluttering and eyes closing.

At the bar I abandoned him. I had records to play. And he was like a rag doll. A pretty one though. A pretty brown-eyed rag doll in a bad, bad jumper. I drank and danced and he slept on the banquette while people tut-tutted their way around him. I eyeballed my comatose suitor. My best friend hissed 'Get rid of him!'. But I filed him under "later". Drugged up or not, he was too pretty to throw away.

how to have a baby if you do not have a boyfriend

Anyway so after I decided I wanted to have a baby I did not know how. I mean I know you have sex but duh. We made lots of jokes about how to do it. Like you could give a boy a blow job and then hide it in your cheek. Then pretend you were running to the toilet to spit it out. But really you would be running to spit it on your hand and put it up your area. But that did seem a bit sneaky. What else could you do?

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1) Freeze eggs

Pros: Good way to buy time

Cons: Expensive. Painful. Extremely low chance of actually conceiving with said frozen eggs further down the line. Committing self to god knows how many cycles of horrid-sounding IVF. Still have to find / buy sperm / steal sperm anyway.

2) Date old men, choose one, ‘settle’

Pros: Old men might actually want babies

Cons: Any available old men (late 30s/early 40s) are generally quite ugly or baggage-laden. Sorry to any men reading this, but I am just saying. So how could you possibly manage to make yourself do sex with them enough times to make a baby. Especially if you had got used to fucking really really pretty teenage boys with flat hairy tummies and springy gorgeous cocks.

3) Have gaybie with gay friend

Pros: Child will be really good at interior design. Haha j/k. Child will have wonderful committed dad who will love it and share upbringing and support it financially.

Cons: None really, except nagging feeling that by committing to this you are saying "nobody loved me enough to have a child with me and now nobody ever will because I have had a baby and my area is the size of the grand canyon and my boobs are like saggy with massive nipples and I cannot be bothered with dating anyway now that I have a kid because it is such total bullshit and the kid has opened my eyes to what is important in life and it is not impressing stupid losers with carefully worded okcupid profiles and enormous pot bellies now is it".

4) Give up

Pros: Easy

Cons: Rubbish
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Anyway as you can see all of the options sucked. I did not know what to do. And time was passing.